Have I ever told you why I became a writer?
Well, obviously there are several reasons, but one of them was because when I was very young I’d have
dreams nightmares that felt very real. I’d be coming home from school to find my family missing, or running away in the middle of the night. I’d dream my sister ceased to exist, or that we’d been caught up in a devastating fire.
And I was terrified that my thoughts would make these things actually happen! Aged 4, I didn’t really understand that I didn’t have that kind of power.
I started to write these thoughts down, and gave the characters different names, so that they would suffer and my family would be safe.
Fast forward to this week. I sent off my first batch of queries. And then I started to envisage the outcome.
First, I imagined signing contracts and drinking Champagne in celebration. Everyone was cheering and I was making a speech.
Argh! No! What if that causes the universe to spite me? What if that would just bring many rejections to my inbox?
Next, I pictured the rejections, a long slog through my list of agents, getting to the end.
Argh! What if that makes the rejections happen?
Logically, I know my brain still doesn’t have that kind of power, but what if…? So, now, I’m practising the art of neutral thinking, where I try not to veer too far to the positive or negative. I’m focusing on – if I really must – the agent opening my email, and…
… and nothing. I’m trying to pull myself away, panning the camera back like the closing scene of a movie while inspirational music plays and the screen goes black.
(Well, you did say you wanted to be with me for the querying process, although this might not be quite what you meant 😉 )